Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Monday, 29 September 2008
Take this week, there was a story under the heading 'Outraged by alfresco sex'. The gist of it was that a married couple, walking through the park near the castle, at 9.50pm on a Saturday night were 'horrified' at the sight of a couple having a bonk. Apparently the married couple thought there were two people fighting, so decided to go for a closer look. The couple who were at it then finished, had a break on a bench (no doubt with a shared gasper and some 'how was it for you?' banter) and then had sex again, all under the watchful gaze of our concerned Newarkers. Apparently one of the accused had drunk seven pints, but 'wasn't drunk'. I'm surprised after that much ale he was still fit for purpose.
This is the killer bit for me, from Miss Sarah Neale, one of the couple's defending solicitors:
'Miss Neale questioned whether the couple who saw them were truly outraged "the couple who saw them were so outraged that they stayed watching and following them for half an hour" she said'. Clearly a solicitor with a sense of humour.
The case was adjourned until October 13th.
Wednesday, 24 September 2008
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is what you've been waiting for! Westminster brother no.1! Mr Please Please Please! The Godfather of sustained economic growth and prudence! Mr Gordon Brown!!!"
Ho-hum, never mind...
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Let me describe it: it's an instrumental along the same sort of lines as Eye Level or Classical Gas; it has a harpsichord motif running through it; the main melody is done on strings and sounds a little like a part of Something's Gotten Hold of My Heart; it was obviously from 1968.
Please, someone help me, it's driving me insane. I need it in my life!
Monday, 22 September 2008
Just lately though, Saturday telly seems to have taken a turn for the worse. I say this because on Saturday night I was witness to probably the lowest point in British television history, and, yes, I've seen Loose Women. I'm talking about Hole in the Wall. If you didn't see it, it's based on a Japanese game show, which is enough to make you switch off already (a note to BBC commissioning execs: Clive James used to show Japanese game shows for a reason - to highlight that British TV wasn't all that bad). Apparently clips of the Japanese version were popular on the internet, which is yet another reason why the internet needs to stay on the internet.
The basic premise is that some minor celebrities dress in awful silver Lycra outfits and helmets and have to fit through a hole in a wall that's advancing rapidly towards them, if they don't they end up in a kiddies' paddling pool. That's it. No questions to answer, no skill involved.
One of this week's guests was one of the Hairy Bikers, don't ask me which one, it wasn't the Geordie one. The sight of him in skin-tight clothes was enough to scare off any children who may have tuned in by mistake. I say by mistake because surely nobody planned this into their Saturday evening viewing schedule, did they? I caught it by mistake because it was on at my mother's. Honest.
Watching Andi Peters get shoved in the water was mildly amusing though. Mind you, I could think of a lot worse things I'd like to see happen to that little turd, like making sure he never appears on TV again. Especially as he single-handedly ruined Top of the Pops.
Here's a clip of it, miraculously from the BBC's own You Tube channel. I'd would have thought that they wouldn't have wanted to show off about it. And yes, Dale Winton, you left Radio Trent for a career in telly, did you ever think this is what you'd end up doing, a vehicle even worse than Supermarket Sweep or Pets Win Prizes?
Nobody's a winner in this game show, not the contestants, the presenter or the audience. I've never felt like asking for a portion of my licence fee back, but I do now.
Friday, 19 September 2008
Very clever though, even though I don't really believe it's all done with Post-Its. They aren't stuck together like that, are they?
I didn't write that bottom bit, by the way.
5 14.29% diane keen
4 11.43% diane keen tits
2 5.71% dianekeen
2 5.71% diane keen with her tits out
2 5.71% diane Keen photo
2 5.71% diane keen's tits
2 5.71% jo whiley daughter
1 2.86% hammond organ
1 2.86% jo whiley
1 2.86% abunch of stiffs
1 2.86% metallica jo whiley
1 2.86% Jo Whiley's house
1 2.86% why did bbc not show full metallica set
1 2.86% This Morning Diane Keen
1 2.86% van der graaf generator
1 2.86% diane keen tv awards
1 2.86% romney hythe railway
1 2.86% when is diane keen's birthday
1 2.86% anita dobson
1 2.86% U Tube romney hythe and dymchurch railway
1 2.86% Jo Whiley's daughter
1 2.86% modern gutnish
1 2.86% jo whiley on metallica
Thursday, 18 September 2008
I think I must have had my head stuck up my arse for the past few days because the death of Rick Wright completely passed me by, only hearing about it today on the weekly music news segment on Ken Bruce's show.
I'm not normally one of those people who makes a song and dance over a musician's death - I'm not going to indulge in a Classic Rock mag-style 'he's joined the great band in the sky with Hendrix etc' post - but this one drew me up short as it was completely unexpected. Pink Floyd have for a long time been one of 'my bands', and to have them lose a member so suddenly made me feel especially sad today. I don't know why that should be, I don't recall the death of, say, Kurt Cobain to fill me with shock - probably because his death wasn't exactly unexpected.
Anyway, as a member of Floyd, Wright was completely understated, always letting the others shine while he remained in the background. Even on his most famous composition, the awfully-named Great Gig in the Sky, while all the plaudits go to Claire Torry's orgasmic wailing, Wright's always there with his understated piano and rumbling, but never obtrusive Hammond organ. He is completely responsible for the Hammond organ being my second favourite musical instrument.
From what I saw of him in documentaries and read about him, he was one of the good guys. There have only ever been five members of Pink Floyd, there are now only three left.
Friday, 12 September 2008
He also wrote the greatest song never to be entered into Eurovision.
Anyway, in the spirit of Lazy You Tube Embedding, here's my selected highlights from Hannon's, er, canon. Have it as a weekend treat on me, I'm sure you all deserve it after a shite week at work, right?
We all settled in? Right, we can begin.
Galloping along at a fair old lick...
Thursday, 11 September 2008
1981 — Felicity Kendal
1982 — Suzi Quatro
1983 — Lulu
1984 — Elaine Paige
1985 — Lynsey De Paul
1986 — Anneka Rice and Michael Barrymore
1987 — Anita Dobson
1988 — Su Pollard
1989 — Marina Ogilvy
1992 — Ulrika Jonsson
1993 — Sarah Lancashire
1994 — Mandy Smith
1995 — Lisa Riley (as Mandy Dingle)
1996 — Tracy Shaw
1997 — Melinda Messenger and Gary Barlow
1998 — Carol Smillie and Frank Skinner
1999 — Denise van Outen and Robbie Williams
2000 — Jane Danson and Graham Norton
2001 — Claire Sweeney and John Altman
2002 — Charlotte Church and Scott Wright
2003 — Natasha Hamilton and Ronan Keating
2004 — Alex Best and Aled Haydn-Jones
2005 — Nell McAndrew and Will Young
2006 — Javine Hylton and Ian Wright
2007 — Siân Lloyd and Lee Mead
2008 — Jennifer Ellison and Ryan Thomas
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
So that wouldn't have made for a very interesting answer to any grandchildren's enquiry about what I did when some Swiss scientists caused the Earth's destruction, would it? But I wouldn't have had any grandkids anyway because the world would have come to an end. Or something. I've confused myself now...
Saturday, 6 September 2008
This ad's been running since about May. Constantly. I hate it. DFS sales don't 'rock'. Slayer rock, AC/DC rock, Foo Fighters rock. DFS sales most definitely do not rock. I can remember when, living in the catchment area between Central and Yorkshire TV, it had two different names: DFS and Northern Upholstery. DFS was in Central ('See for yourselves at our stores in Darley Dale and Measham!') and Northern Upholstery was in Yorkshire ('See for yourselves at our stores in Carcroft and Thorpe Arch!'). Four shops. Now the bastards are nationwide and making even shitter ads than the ones where a man in a tuxedo and a woman in a cocktail dress would wander around the stores looking at settees while holding champagne flutes. Yes, really.
I hate every single thing about that ad. The people in it - yeah, even the kid, no, especially the kid. The music, a song by Nickelback, who are to rock music what Stalin was to humanity. The way the blond woman, in another version of the same ad, emphasises the word 'ten' by holding up five fingers. The way the settees are made to look bigger than they actually are. I could go on...
This term 'it rocks' seems to be getting more and more common. I was watching Saturday Kitchen a while back, they had this red-faced public school wine 'expert' on there. He was doing his spiel from the wine department of an M&S somewhere. At the the end of his recommendations he looked at the camera and said 'This wine ROCKS!'. No it doesn't! To make matters worse he made that ridiculous devil's horn sign that only Ronnie James Dio and 15 year-old Slipknot fans make.
Hurry, the DFS sale ends on Sunday. Mind you, it's been ending every Sunday since July 6th.
Anyway, one record company that's had the full BBC4 treatment (only the once, mark you. Not the annual one Factory gets) is Stiff Records. I can never understand why that record company is never mentioned in the same breath as those other greats: Tamla Motown, Island, Stax and Atlantic. It had the same 'music/artist first' ethos and family vibe of all those others.
In the spirit of Lazy You Tube embedding - which I haven't done much of in this blog - here's some of my favourite Stiff songs.
By the way, there's a great photo of Rush's Geddy Lee in an 'If it ain't Stiff it ain't worth a fuck' t-shirt, but I can't find it on the interweb.
I love Ian Dury. I've always fancied writing my own version of Reasons To Be Cheerful but never got past 'Master of Puppets/Beaker from The Muppets'
The greatest punk song ever.
Not strictly Stiff, but without Dr Feelgood, Stiff wouldn't have existed. Wilko Johnson is God.
If you hear this and don't want to dance, preferably whilst wearing a fez, then there are no egg custards for you at my house.
I always loved this record, but as a kid could never understand why he was in the kitchen at parties. The kitchen was where all the parents hung out, there was no jelly or musical statues in there.
A finer song about song about forbidden and hidden love is yet to be written. Much missed Chez Ambassador.
So many memories attached to this song. The greatest move The Wheatsheaf ever made was to put Pogues albums on their jukebox, this was always timed to come on at closing time on a Saturday, with their take on Dirty Old Town preceding it. I've spilt many drinks and smoked many gaspers to this one.
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
I didn't spend the best part of the 1980s fighting the Comic Strip wars just so a bunch of idiots who'd forgotten how bad stuff was the first time around think it's time it was bought back.
The sight of the Jeff Rogers Dancers on Seaside Special, Name That Tune. Shirley Bassey shows etc. was something that haunted my youth. All those grinning, energetic gits miming to a hit of the day is something that will live with me forever. Even as a seven year-old, a little bit of me died every time I saw it. The thing was, you knew they were miming, because, as my sister always used to say: "How can they jump around like that and sing at the same time?"
So what else do you think isn't due a comeback from 'the good old days?'
Here's a few suggestions:
- The Good Old Days
- The Black and White Minstrel Show
- Scarlet fever
- Banana-flavoured Toffos
- Kloppa Castle
- The New Schmoo
- The Third Reich
- Roller discos
- 'Confessions' films
- The Test Card
- Weekend World
- Bruno Brookes
- Herman's Hermits
- That's My Dog
- That's My Boy!
- The three day week
- Derby County FC
Monday, 1 September 2008
I was reading a review of the new Motorhead album at the weekend. Lemmy is a man never to let political correctness get in the way of his lyric-writing. Here's a few examples:
"If you squeeze my lizard, I'll put my snake on you"
"You're jailbait, and I just can't wait" (a favourite of Gary Glitter's, I believe)
"Going down slowly's the only way to go"
There was a lyric quoted in the review which just made crack out laughing I think it's because it's just so wrong that it's completely right. Here it is:
"Rock out, with your cock out, impress your lady friends"
I love the way he uses the term 'lady friends', it shows respect to 'the ladies', there's a saucy 'Carry On' feel to it. Every time I read it it's me completely gone. No doubt if it was an inferior band, like WASP or Poison, the lyric would read, rather craply:
"Rock out, with your jackhammer out, stick to your bitch"
Of course, if the lyric was written about myself it would read:
"Rock out, with your cock out, amuse your lady friends"
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to download Rock Out.