Saturday 22 December 2018

Christmas Top of the Flops

I'm sure our memories must play tricks on us at this time of year. I say that because songs that have always seemed to be embedded in our consciousness as stone-cold Christmas classics, when you delve deeper, and from my own memory, weren't such massive songs during the festive period at all. And I can pinpoint when all this started happening: the run up to Christmas 1985 when Virgin/EMI released The Christmas Album (or The Christmas Tape, as it was in our house) all done under the Now! banner.
I mean, there were some bone fide yuletide tracks on there that did transcend the years and always seemed to chart on re-release. I'm talking about Slade, Wizzard, Bing Crosby etc but some of the others? Hmm, not so much.

  • Queen - Thank God It's Christmas. Reached no.21 in 1984. This was of course before they re-wrote their own history and played a make-or-break gig at Wembley Stadium on July 13th 1985.
  • Elton John -Step Into Christmas. Reached no.24 in 1973. A song I had never heard before that fateful Christmas in 1985. Now it's all over the place. I guess it keeps Elton in 'fruit and flowers' these days.
  • Kate Bush - December Will Be Magic Again. Wheezed its way to no.29 in 1980. A song written for her 1979 BBC Christmas Special. This was before she went down the dumper for a bit and made an album that sounded like King Crimson with a Fairlight.
  • Chris De Burgh - A Spaceman Came Travelling. Didn't chart on original release in 1975. I had heard this single before but only because we had a teacher at school who'd been a bit of a Head back in the day and used to start his year assemblies with a bit of rock music (on one occasion treating a load of bemused 1980s kids to Black Sabbath).
  • Beach Boys - Little Saint Nick. Didn't chart on original release. Something doesn't sit quite right with me when a band associated with California sun and the outdoor life sing about reindeer.
All those songs now seem as much a part of Christmas as mince pies, drinking too much and having to be nice to people. And the tracklisting of today's Now Christmas album just grows and grows. The edition in this house had grown to three CDs as at some point with a lot of artists realising how much the publishing on a Christmas track can be worth. Indeed, the most valuable song for non-Beatles royalties in Paul McCartney's catalogue is that ultimate in will-this-do? filler, Wonderful Christmastime. And what's on in the background while I'm writing this? Freeview Channel 88, the Now That's What I Call Christmas channel showing Pete Waterman's Christmas 1972-Now. The songs keep coming: East 17, Bo Selecta, Peter Kay, Steps, Jon By Jovi, Mariah Carey, Mickey Bubbles...

Blue (Peter) Christmas

Yes, we all know about John Noakes, Simon Groom, Janet Ellis, Peter Duncan, Skelts and all but Blue Peter is still worth watching. Of course it's changed to fit with a modern audience (and is confident enough to gently take the piss out of itself) but it never forgets its core values. For many of us in the UK, along with Elizabeth II, BP is just about the only constant; one of the very, very few things we know have always been there throughout our lives.

Thursday's show, the last before Christmas, visited a tinsel factory, showed us how glass baubles are made and how Christmas jumpers are manufactured. But it was the last five minutes which, I'll be honest, brought a lump to my throat. They still have the same nativity scene, they still have the advent crown (nonnaked flames though), they still brought in the Salvation Army band, they still got the kids in to sing a rousing O Come All Ye Faithful. And at that point, I may have had something in my eye.

UK readers can find the episode by clicking here.

And for those of you outside the UK, here's an advent crown compilation:


Wednesday 12 December 2018

Oh yes it is!

A Facebook friend of mine posted this panto bill earlier. Funny how certain pantos seem to have fallen out of favour. I'd never heard of Robinson Crusoe as a panto before. While other ones from my youth like Mother Goose and Babes in the Wood have fallen completely out of favour (Nottingham Playhouse are, as it happens, doing  Babes... this year but it's being billed as ROBIN HOOD and Babes in the Wood). While others are now popular which were pretty much unheard-of in my childhood like The Snow Queen, thanks to the success of Frozen. I'm pretty sure our local theatre just has Cinderella, Aladdin and Jack and the Beanstalk on a three year loop.
And they only last barely a month even in the biggest cities these days. I saw the record holder for longest panto in history at Nottingham Theatre Royal as relatively recently as the very early 1980s (Keith Harris with Orville & Cuddles and Barbara Windsor. Can't remember who was the dame in that one, it was either John Inman or Barry Howard from Hi-De-Hi, I saw them both) which started on Boxing Day and finished just before the following Easter.

And was Hughie Green creaming off the most popular acts from Op Knocks?


Wednesday 10 October 2018

Granada Experiment

I've just watched an edition of 1970s Schools and Colleges programme
Experiment, after seeing a BBC Archive post this morning about today being the 16th anniversary of Look Around You first broadcast. Experiment is widely regarded as the inspiration behind the series and it has to be said that the people behind it, Robert Popper and Peter Serafinowicz got the tone and look spot on. What I'd like to know is Experiment classed as hauntology? I remember being frightened by it as a child in the 1970s and it had to be said that I haven't just come over all warm and fuzzy after watching this edition  in which a locust has some pretty horrific things done to it ("there's a break to give the locust time to settle down" Settle down? You've just removed its legs) by a man who looks like a fair-haired Peter Kay. And who does this particular experiment serve? I thought Experiment was aimed at O and A Level students, what they do here looks like it would only be of interest to someone doing a Ph.D thesis on the nervous system of orthoptera. The whole thing is so cold and stark, there's no theme music, no proper titles to speak of and nobody directly addressing the camera.

So I ask the question, was Granada the most hauntological of TV companies? Let's look at the evidence: Experiment (if indeed it is classed as hauntology) World in Action, Hickory House, Picturebox and the old Kabin in Coronation Street? I should cocoa.

Write it down.



Monday 6 August 2018

The Spirit of Radio

A few months ago I was asked by the people who run the Charity Shop Classics show on a Manchester community radio station called All FM if I'd like to be a guest presenter for their show. Charity Shop Classics is a show I've been listening to for quite a while now and it's fair to say that I love the concept of the show and the music we hear which is presented by good people. So I took it as a great honour that I was asked to contribute with my USP being that every track played, bar one, was purchased from my local Oxfam Books & Music store in my hometown of Newark. It took a few months to get together, what with one thing and another but the results were on air yesterday. My links at times leave a bit to be desired but I enjoyed doing it, which is kind of the point. You can hear the results in the link here:
https://www.mixcloud.com/CharityShopClassics/charity-shop-classics-show-202-listeners-choice/

Tuesday 22 May 2018

Bitter and Lemons

I've been watching those classic Coronation Street episodes that ITV3 are showing in the afternoon. I promised myself that I would only watch them until Hilda Ogden left but here I am thirteen months later (in Coronation Street repeats terms that is, in reality, with them showing two episodes a day, it's only about three months).
I view it as a kind of time capsule of the mid-late Eighties. I mean, who wouldn't be charmed/alarmed at Bros and Rick Astley being referred to as the latest thing the kiddywinks are going mad for? Or gasp as Kim Wilde's latest chart hit gets played on the jukebox in Jim's Cafe? Or gaze in wonderment at The Kabin selling long-defunct cancer stick brand Players No.6? Or smile when you see that The Kabin is also selling the Official 1989 Iron Maiden calendar?


But what I have noticed, above everything else, is how much bitter lemon is consumed in the Rovers. In fact, it seems the only drinks consumed in the Rovers are bitter, light ale, tomato juice and bitter lemon. Was bitter lemon  really this popular? We used to have it Christmas or Mum would sometimes get a bottle in because she might have fancied "something sharp to drink". Indeed, we sometimes still buy it but I could never imagine that people would go to a pub and order a bitter lemon. Here, take a look:








Dierdre and Emily throwing a curve ball here with a pair of orange juices. 






Curly's got a round in. Bitter lemons for everyone!




Monday 19 March 2018

In Defence of Ed Sheeran

I was listening to our incredibly local local radio station when Ed Sheeran's Castle on the Hill was played. I listened to it and I thought to myself, do you know what? That's not a bad song. Yes, the lyrics are a bit on the Summer of '69 side but I like the way the record thumps along and it's about having a good time with your friends. What's wrong with that?
You see I've never understood the bile levelled at Sheeran. If you don't like his music then fair enough, I get that, but what is it that drives people to be incredibly rude about him? You can't say he hasn't paid his dues, he talks of train fares to get to gigs that were more expensive than the fee he was being paid. Indeed, a very good friend of mine would regularly go and see him in the pubs and clubs of the toilet circuit years ago and was incredibly affronted when he couldn't get tickets to his show at Nottingham Arena last year ("This is the first time we've ever missed him in Nottingham" he moaned).
Is it because he's clearly middle class? Funny how people don't mind that when it comes to Mick Jagger or Jimmy Page but hate it when Chris Martin or Sheeran are unashamedly middle class.
Is it because he's enormously successful? Granted, he's more likely to win the Queen's Prize for Export over the Brian Eno Award for Innovation but who cares? If he makes music that people like, and they clearly do, then is that so bad? If you listen to the right radio stations then it's quite easy to avoid his music and nobody's forcing you to buy or stream it.
Is it because he's ginger? And not only ginger but not exactly the most handsome of men? This anti-ginger, anti-unhandsome business seems to be particularly peculiar to the UK. I like to call it The Mick Hucknall Syndrome.
And you can't say he hasn't got a massive pair of balls; step out onstage at Wembley Stadium with no backing band with just an acoustic guitar and looping station for support? I hope he had his brown pants on.
I think I can put my finger on what it is: snobbery. People hate it that he's successful. Why should it be like that? And if you like something then you should feel no shame in admitting it and enjoying it. As this excellent fellow says, in his East Midlands' accent, "If you like it, stand up for it"
I'm not saying I love everything he's done. In my book for every Castle on the Hill there's an A Team. For every Shape of You there's a Lego House. For every Sing there's a Galway Girl.
Anyway, here's a very good friend of mine adding to Castle on the Hill exactly what it needs: a great big dollop of drums because Ed doesn't need the cash of somebody else adding to the 300m plus views the original's had on You Tube.

Tuesday 13 February 2018

My 80s Diary

I think I might start tweeting my 1980s diary, which appears to be all the rage at the minute. I've never kept a diary, of course, but they all follow the same pattern (the following is entirely fictional, by the way):

"12/04/85 Listened to Run DMC tape. I didn't like it much but Wayne says they're the future and that rock music is dead. Had Findus Crispy Pancakes for tea. Watched Top of the Pops and Blackadder. Bed ."

"14/05/85 Had a tin of Quatro. It's better than Lilt"
"18/06/85 Got an A for my geography homework. I think Miss Harris fancies me. Mum cooked my favourite tea - Bird's Eye potato waffles, beans with sausages in and a fried egg"
"19/07/85 Got off with Janine Smith at the end of term disco. We danced to Nik Kershaw, Bryan Adams, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Duran Duran and Paul Young. We shared a tin of Quatro and had a finger of Twix each. Janine doesn't like Quatro much. She thinks Lilt is nicer. She's wrong but I didn't tell her. We've agreed to meet up in the library to do our summer geography project together, after she comes back from her family holiday in Lanzarote. I said "Lanzagrotty", she laughed"
"12/08/85 - Waited at the library for Janine. She never showed up. Oh well, she has BO anyway. Bought a U2 tape from Boots to cheer myself up. Salad, ham and chips for tea"

"03/09/85 - Back to school today. Got Mr Johnson for a form tutor, he's alright but his breath smells. Got told off for forgetting my football boots"

"19/09/85 - Thursday night means Top of the Pops night! That man Cameo was on wearing a bright red cricket box, I don't know what that was about. It wasn't as good as last week's when Marillion were on"

See? An absolute piece of piss. Of course, what these diaries fail to mention is how much wanking in bedrooms was going on.

Wednesday 24 January 2018

Film '18

I've been having a discussion on Facebook, prompted by the Oscar nominations, about films. I have to say that the idea of sitting in a cinema is becoming less and less appealing as I get older. At risk of sounding like a grumpy old man, people in cinemas get on my wick.

First we have to pay nearly ten pounds a pop for the privilege of sitting in there with people who won't sit in their allocated seats (I was once given short shrift by a guy at a cinema in Nottingham when I informed him that he was sitting in my seat for a performance of far-fetched Brad Pitt WWII film Fury. Flaming pillock).
Then they have to bring in all manner of food. I mean, those nachos they insist on serving these days look horrific. What is that fluorescent orange gloop they have to smother them with? It looks radioactive. And that's before we've even got started on rattling sweet wrappers and bags. Then, when they're not pushing food into their hungry maws, they're talking. Or looking at mobile phones. It's only in the past decade that I've actually seen people being ejected from a cinema for bad behaviour (The Woman in Black in Birmingham). Is that because people no longer know how to sit quietly for a couple of hours?

Then there's the films themselves. That's when you can actually get to the main feature part. You can put another thirty minutes on the stated start time because first we have to sit through half an hour of adverts, which wouldn't be so bad if they were still like this. The main features are rubbish these days too. I went to the cinema five times last year, two of those films (Trainspotting 2, Dunkirk) were rubbish, one was okay-ish (Murder on the Orient Express), one was quite good (The Death of Stalin) and the other one was Dave Gilmour* at Pompeii, so I knew what I was getting with that. All films these days seem to be based on comics, and not the sort of comics I like either. If someone made a film based on The Tough of the Track (Alf Tupper), Braddock VC or Billy's Boots then I'd be well up for that. If they're not based on comics it has to be a historical drama where they get all the facts wrong. And if it's not those then it's some worthy old bollocks. Why does nobody make daft comedies any more? Police Academy, Trading Places, Groundhog Day, Rita Sue and Bob Too, those stupid-but-good films with John Candy, Chevy Chase or Dan Aykroyd?

I dunno, maybe I'm just more into television these days. Namely imported television. Deutschland 83, Witnesses, Modus, that silly Swedish Scooby Doo thing that BBC4 showed in the autumn. All much more deserving of my time, I think. I'm currently well into French law and order procedural Spiral. We've only discovered it on series 6 but it was my birthday last week and Mrs Ambassador gave me the first four series in a boxset. I can't wait to sink my teeth into all 4000+ minutes of that.
It's either that or I stick to the excellent television channel Talking Pictures TV.

*I say 'Dave' because he insists on being called 'David'

Tuesday 9 January 2018

Brum Brum.

Ah, 2018 then. How are you? Oh right, excellent. Anyway, enough about you, as it's a new year and a chance to set out some new life goals, I thought I'd go back to blogging. The micro-blogging of Twitter doesn't interest me at the moment so I thought I'd have a go at this again. See how it goes, and all that. Just a quick one to ease me in:

There is absolutely nothing I don't love about this photograph.



It's Rush outside the Holiday Inn in Birmingham in 1978. A very West Midlands' decade, were the 70s, think about it: ELO, Black Sabbath, Wizzard, Trevor Francis at Birmingham City, Spaghetti Junction, Jasper Carrott, Tiswas ATVLand Birmingham B1 2JP, John Swallow, Red Robbo, the Bull Ring, Crossroads etc. The Brutalism architecture in Brum is one of its great strengths, I find. What a pity theses days that the city seems intent on erasing every last piece of it. I mean, look at the concrete in that Holiday Inn. Also look at the Renault 16. They were everywhere then. I really hope that's the car which will transport the Canadian rockers to the Birmingham Odeon. A very Renault decade was the 70s. And look at Rush, a very Rush decade was the 70s, with their epic twenty minute songs, moustaches and Geddy Lee's boots...