I don't know why I spent a load of time in mid-November compiling an Amazon wishlist. Well, I do, it was so that when I got the inevitable question "What do you want for Christmas, Bright Ambassador?" from my sisters, I could just direct them to my wishlist (obviously, they don't call me 'Bright Ambassador', that'd be stupid as it's not my real name). Imagine then, my disappointment come Christmas Day when one of my sisters had ignored the wishlist and bought me a DVD of Wheeltappers and Shunters.For those not in the know, W&S was TV variety show from the mid-70s supposedly set in a Working Man's Club. Imagine Phoenix Nights - only even shitter. It's truly terrible. I've only managed twenty minutes of it so far and had to switch it off. When you get those turds on telly spraffing off about a lack of variety on TV these days, I suggest they're given a copy of the W&S DVD.
For a kick off, series 1, episode 1 starts with Bernard Manning - the club host - crooning his way through a number about how he'd like to 'make sweet love to you all night.' Form an orderly queue there, ladies. We then get an act involving Cossack dancing - mildly entertaining for about thirty seconds, unfortunately it went on for about three and a half minutes. Then it's straight into a double act called, something like, Lambert and Butler. Oh dear. Get this, the stooge purports to be gay. Cue loads of jokes involving the word 'queer'. Hilarity ensues. Not.
They're followed by 'the barmaid' singing a medley. It's rubbish. After the break it's a knife-throwing act. The thrower of which was wearing the most alarming pair of trousers I've ever seen. His 'prancer' was wearing very little. By that time I'd lost the will to live and switched it off.
It's not all bad news though. The club committee 'chairman', Colin Crompton makes some witty interjections (best of which is "All those going on the Territorial Army weekend next Saturday - please be informed that reveille is at 6AM. Those who don't like Italian food are advised to take butties"). And the clothes and haircuts of the audience are always worth a gander on this kind of thing.
She said "I saw it and thought of you." Is that because she thinks of me whenever she thinks of shocking 1970s televsion? I hope not. Thing is, she'll ask me about it. Then she'll want to borrow it. So I'm going to have to watch all of it because she'll want to discuss it. I've got six hours of it to watch. The DVD cover promises an early appearance by Little and Large. I can hardly wait.
She'd best get me something decent for my impending birthday, otherwise I'll be mardy.
Edit: To help along those who've never seen W&S, like Thumper, here's a choice You Tube clip. It features Norman Collier's famous faulty microphone routine. I saw Norman Collier in summer season in Bournemouth in 1980, on the same bill as Little and Large - he did the sodding faulty microphone routine. The same routine I'd seen him do on TV dozens of times before. Who once called him Norman 'Two Joke' Collier?
