Fallen Madonna with the big bank account

There was a thing on the radio today about the Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce settlement. Ritchie is reportedly getting £50m for his trouble.Which set me to thinking that that's not a bad return for eight years of marriage. I'm such a shallow turd that I think I could put up with a monumental pain in the arse like Madonna for eight years if I knew I was going to come out of it with £50m in the bank. Yeah, I know it's a kind of prostitution, but £50m's £50m after all. You'd be the most expensive prostitute in history - you could even get Norris McWhirter and Roy Castle involved (Yeah, I know they're dead, but can you imagine? "He's a spunk-donating celebrity-shagging bank-account-emptying record breaker!").
You'd have to get used to her of course. I mean all that Kabbalah; being friends with Sting and his missus; adopting children; impregnating her; having to leave the pub because she's bored; having to see her naked (though this leaves very little to the imagination); being enthusiastic about her latest album/tour/film/kiddies' book must get wearing after a time. I could enthuse for England if I knew that there was a cheque for £50m at the end of it. Just think what you could buy: a whole Aston Martin, a season ticket for Forest (Hung Up is used as part of Forest's pre-match build-up music, they'd have to change that), a riverside apartment in Newark, the Genesis 1970-1975 box set, a ticket to see Madonna in concert - oh, hang on...
And with £50m, that's right £50m, in the bank coupled with my sparkling personality, I'd be beating off the tastier chicks with a shitty stick.

So, Madonna, if you're reading this and you find that you're looking for another fair-haired English chap with no discernible talent to speak of to add to your ex-husband collection, drop us a line.

Celebrity lookalikes no.3

Knocked-up-in-an-afternoon, friend of Dum Dum, Hanna Barbera kiddies' post-school favourite, Touche Turtle.

Peace sign-waving, autograph shy, second least talented member of The Beatles, Ringo Starr.


I know this Ringo Starr business is last week's news, but I've never understood the fascination for autographs. What is the attraction? Is it because someone who does a job you like has actually held something in their hands and scribbled on it with a piece of paper? I dunno...
I'd rather shake someone's hand and tell them how much I like what they do. I think they'd appreciate that a lot more. I don't have anything autographed, apart from the Alex James book, which I picked up from one of those table displays in an Edinburgh bookshop with the intention of using it to read on the bog (I'm not even much of a Blur fan, I'd read any old crap about popular music. And it was on offer.). I didn't know it was signed until I got it home, and I certainly wouldn't have paid more for it just because he'd sat and signed a huge pile of them at the end of an in-store. I once read where Rowan Atkinson told autograph hunters to 'fuck off', which sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Fortunately for my mother though, he didn't tell her to 'fuck off' when she asked him about five years ago.

I'd tell this rancid old hag to 'fuck off' though if I'd just paid over £100 for the 'pleasure' of attending one of her enormodome concerts and she picked me out like that. It's not that bloke's fault her husband's sodded off, is it? And why does she use the 'f' word as punctuation? The more you use it, the less impact it has.