Edward the Caresser

I watched that documentary about Edward VII that was on recently earlier tonight. I'm nowhere near a monarchist but I do feel that if we have to have a monarch they should all be like old Eddie.

Let's start with his mother. I love the fact that she had a face like an old boot and was about three feet tall but still had a voracious sexual appetite and made damn sure she married a bloke with an enormous Johnson.

Moving onto Eddie, he behaved exactly like I believe the first in line to the throne should behave - he spent as much time as possible in Parisian knocking shops sitting in bathfuls of champagne while entertaining at least one French tart. He also used to go to these country house weekends where it all used to descend into mass orgies that would have made Caligula blush. His earlier life is peppered with tales of comely young actresses and music hall stars being snuck into university parlours and army mess rooms.

Of course, when he came to the throne everyone thought he'd be an unmitigated disaster - especially as his mother didn't trust him to take any of her responsibilities in her old age so he was completely clueless - guess what? He was a rip-roaring success, with a common touch! Hurrah for Edward VII!

I reckon they're still up to those tricks now, I mean even someone as lowly as Prince Edward has had a go on Ulrika Jonsson (mind you, who hasn't? By my reckoning, at the rate she gets through blokes, my turn's due in September 2018). And Prince Charles was knocking off that Kanga woman and Camilla at the same time. He did make sure they'd both produced sons by their husbands first though. He has some standards, clearly...

Thing is, if I found myself in the same position I'd be exactly the same - it'd be Party Central, oh yes. Take people like Keith Moon or John Bonham, is it any wonder they acted the way they did with all that put in their path? If it were me I'd be driving Rolls Royces into swimming pools while off my tits on some kind of stimulant, or taking blow jobs just prior to stepping into a top fuel dragster. Looks like I'd better get my head down with the drums then...