Take a match to these two

I detest those two fuckwits. In fact I don't just detest them, I hate them. Whoever thought this would make a good idea for an advert has obviously never been inside a music shop. For the uninitiated, music shops are even more of an intimidating place than independent record shops. The minute you walk in the door the bloke behind the counter will say "Ay up, mate, can I help?" (cos he's your mate as he knows that you know how to play something. Or not, in my case). You never walk in and just start picking out a tune on an instrument, unless you're the kind of cretin who goes in just to show off his "chops" on an "axe" he could never afford in a month of Sundays by playing Van Halen's Eruption.
And what's all this "I like old movies" bullshit? He likes old movies like the Godfather Pt. 3. That's hardly an "old movie", is it? The first time I saw it I was expecting him to say "I like old movies, like The Battleship Potemkin". The Godfather Pt.3 was released in 1990, oh yeah, very old. Mind you, to these two pillocks 1990 probably was a long time ago considering she looks like she was born when the Poll Tax riots were going off. And isn't it funny how he's a little bit quirky-looking but not exactly ugly while she's got a face like a doll. How come he doesn't look as though he's the bastard love child of Olive off of On the Buses and Plug off of The Bash Street Kids?
Besides, who actually does that? You know just start picking out a tune like that in the hope that this lass might take a shine to him? I can just imagine my song:
"I like fairly new, ugh, 'movies' like Gregory's Girl and Reservoir Dogs...but that's just me. I listen to Radio Nottingham at the weekends but only for the football. I fart in my sleep. I also have an unhealthy interest in the Cold War and I don't like shaving very much as you can probably tell, but that's just me. Oh, and I don't moisturise but I have got a manbag just to prove I'm not a neanderthal, but that's just me"

And while we're on adverts, how come 'Toilet Duck' is now just called 'Duck'? What happened? Didn't Mr Duck and his germ-fighting, bog-cleanser-squirting aeroplane like being associated with human functions? Flaming spoilsport.
And there's two massive flaws in that new Yellow Pages/JR Hartley ad: there aren't that many record shops left any more. And as if his real name's Day V Lately, when he rang to reserve his copy surely he'd have given his real name like Clive Biscuits or Tom Gusset.

I hate ad men. Apart from those in Mad Men.

More random stuff

Is this man, Hardeep Singh Kohli, the most annoying man on British television? I think so. I'm getting fed-up of his I'm-trying-to-look-and-sound-slightly-bored-with-this routine nearly every fucking night on The One Show. He's not funny, even though he thinks he's a scream. And if I hear him say 'Hardeep is your love' once more then I'm going to call the constabulary; yes, it probably was slightly amusing the first time he thought of it, but we've heard it so many times. One of the Bee Gees is on The One Show tonight so it'll be 'Hardeep is your love' overload. I even gather it's the name of his column in a Scottish newspaper. He threw a complete mard on Celebrity Apprentice and he looks like the sort of person who runs into a kilt at any opportunity. Fuck off.

Shame, because I quite like his brother.

A couple of redundancies were announced at work this week. Now I don't mean to cast aspersions on the management, but I hope they're not using the recession as a means of lopping off a bit of dead wood. They can use that as an excuse for getting rid of anyone, can't they? I say that because they're both not very good at their jobs, for which they get paid rather a lot.

I don't mean to make light of redundancy, it's horrible, but it'd be even worse in my job because every time the management want to communicate to the staff they do so on notices printed with the font Comic Sans. I hate Comic Sans. Why's it called that? It's never made me laugh. And how would you feel if you got your notice in Comic Sans? I'd rather get it in Dingbats.

The notices on the noticeboard are all printed in Comic Sans. eg: "It's been brought to management's attention that there is graffiti in the male toilets. The company WILL NOT accept graffiti or the defacing of company property. Please note that any member of staff caught leaving graffiti will face disciplinary action". All in Comic Sans. How are we supposed to take that seriously? You'd expect it to read, in Comic Sans "Some twat's have been drawing their knobs on the bog walls again. Please stop as the drawings are quite obviously not to scale."

Another thing, the latest TV ad for Microsoft Windows - where people stand around going "I'm a PC" - has the tagline at the end "Upload yourself". Which sounds to me like an insult, like a cross between "up yours" and "go fuck yourself." So, upload yourself, Microsoft.

A finger of whiskey

Is it just the way my feeble mind works, or does the smug-looking bloke in this hateful ad look like he's sniffing his finger after sticking it somewhere he shouldn't?

By the way, I hate that tagline 'seriously playful'. Ugh. It's like when people put the word serious in front of 'fun'. And why is he 'seriously playful'? Is it because he's drawn a comedy moustache on his finger. I bet he's a fucking scream, especially after a bottle of Irish whiskey.
I also hate any comedy club that advertises itself as 'serious about comedy'; in Edinburgh in August you see that everywhere. Oh, and food wholesalers, using the tagline 'catering for the caterer' is the most unoriginal line ever.

Vorderman fans, here's a blog that's right up your boulevard. Those of a nervous disposition may want to steer clear of the comments. Jesus........