It's nice to be nice

I'm currently enjoying BBC 4's sea season - an, if you will, 'sea-son' ah-ha-ha-ha. I don't particularly feel the need to get out on the sea as I'm terrified of it, or, more particularly, I'm terrified of boats and drowning. I love being near to the sea though, it's so romantic, don't you think? I could spend hours looking out to the horizon and wondering what's over that horizon.

What I loved was last night's programme following Timothy Spall (that's him in the photo playing Nottingham's greatest son) and his wife as they journey round the coast of Britain in his sea-going barge. I love the fact that he doesn't particularly know what he's doing but is an enthusiastic amateur living by the mantra of 'if you're in doubt, don't do it.' It's just lovely to watch two soulmates being happy in each other's company even if they don't do much. They don't do much apart from drink wine, gaze out to sea, eat sandwiches the size of doorstops, have good-natured rows, laugh and just love being together. It almost made me fill up.

I'm getting sick of these people who've been on the television over the past month running this country down. I've never believed in so-called 'Broken Britain', much as regular readers of this blog will probably think otherwise, I still think Britain is a fantastic country and that the vast majority of people are decent folks who enjoy a laugh and are more than willing to help out those in need. This programme is the proof that this is still a great country, because, at its heart it's full of nice people doing nice things. I like niceness. Spall has said as much in his publicity for this programme.

Anyway, off my soapbox, and after everything I've said about Britain you can have this: a French song. I haven't got a clue what it's about, apart from the sea, but I love it and I bet the lyrics mean something nice.

Edit: I've just entered La Mer's lyrics into Google Translate, and they are lovely. God, what's wrong with me today?

Andrew Marr can probably play the guitar

There's been a lot of talk on the radio and TV this week over this new thing on Saturday night called The Impressions Show. It stars Jon Culshaw and some woman off of Coronation Street doing, you guessed it, impressions.
I hate to pour water on their flames but someone else is doing a rather good impression show over on BBC2 on a Wednesday night. Yes, it's everyone's favourite political correspondent, Andrew Marr. His show The Making of Modern Britain is jam-packed with impressions of all the major players from the turn of the 20th Century. Edward VII? Check. David Lloyd George? Check. Lord Kitchener? Check. Winston Churchill? Check. Charlie Chaplin? Check. Even PMs who nobody remembers get the Marr impersonation treatment, because, lets face it, nobody knows what the hell they sound like so he can get away with any voice he likes. An East End dockers' union leader? That's not a problem to our Andrew "Gor blimey, guvnor! These MPs are 'avin' a right 'larf! Lav a dack! Everybody aht!"

But his entertaining skills don't just stop at impressions, oh no, sir. He also likes to indulge his acting talents. Take the first episode, Lloyd George had tried to give a speech to a packed and rowdy Birmingham Town Hall but was overcome and had to disguise himself as a policeman and made good his escape from a side exit. Andrew took on this role with gusto and stormed out of one of the Town Halls exits, unfortunately he stopped short of dressing as an Edwardian policeman.
Ditto episode two when our history-loving presenter acted out a scene in a Manchester park when a load of Northern thugs decided to give those Suffragettes a bloody nose. He laps it up.
Of course, the one impression he can do with no make up is Macauley Culkin.

All this of course is a bit of dumbing down, get those who aren't really interested to watch. But they won't. On the subject of dumbing down, what about that Britain's Really Disgusting Food? If you haven't seen it it's a show on BBC Three that's actually worth watching. Presenter Alex Riley picks a foodstuff each week and shows you what horrid ingredients and shameful manufacturing processes go into it. Now, I like Mr Riley, he's got a stupid face and can be quite funny. But can't we do without the silly stunts like getting dressed in lederhosen, while standing outside the British HQ of German supermarket Lidl, to protest at them putting hydrogenated fats into their food? Something that always has to be done with a bullhorn to get their point across? I know they have to make these things entertaining but credit us with a bit of intelligence. Anyway, his programme may be having the opposite effect, as I now quite fancy the Celebrity Meat Loaf featured on last week's show. I've worked in food manufacturing for the past eight yeras and I'm pretty unshockable. It won't kill you.
And on that point, don't even get me started on Jimmy's Food Factory...

If you believe they put a man on the Moon

I've decided I like niceness. I think events over the past few months have taught me to be a nicer, more tolerant person. I've even decided to stop dissing other people's taste in music; if you like it fine, please listen and gain your pleasure from it. (besides, I can hardly talk considering I own albums by Yes) I like the sort of all pervading niceness you get on say the Radcliffe and Maconie radio show, which is just like listening to your mates banter punctuated with some quality tunes. Or I like the sort of niceness you get on BBC4.

Well, I thought I'd turned to niceness until the weekend. It started off badly with me coming home from work on Friday night to be confronted by Friday Night Jonathan Ross. The line-up was Vivienne Westwood, James May and Rufus Wainwright. Westwood came out and it was pretty obvious from the off that she there to bang on about the environment and how we were all fucked. She didn't need to tell me that, I know already, where's she been for the last ten years? Personally I think, by the look of her, she's been playing an ageing Elizabeth I in yet another film about the troubled Tudor monarch.
Then, after James May who spoke more sense about the fragility of the earth and environmentally-friendly transport in the space of a minute than Westwood did in her whole interview, they wheeled on that droning sod Rufus Wainwright. What gives with him? Is he the emperor's new clothes because I can see absolutely nothing to attract me to his music whatsoever. I've worked with openly gay guys and they've all been the most happiest-in-their-own-skin people I've ever come across. He makes being gay sound like a slog. Besides, he must have some pretty saucy snaps of some high-ranking BBC official considering he was interviewed on Radcliffe and Maconie on Wednesday night, had a full hour long Imagine film dedicated to him on the same night and on Friday had fifteen minutes with Jonathan Ross to plug his new sodding opera which no one wants to see.

Now, lets' move on to Master Chef, I only watch the celebrity ones as I can't be doing with real people cooking lamb with a redcurrant jus. How come Middlemiss won? After a week of cooking challenges, where she was proved to be the worst cook, she made the best all-round meal at the end and won. What was the point in the previous bits of the final if they're not going to be taken into consideration? I've never liked Middlemiss anyway.

Moving onto Saturday and the only two minutes I caught of that Katie Price interview left me spitting my cider all over the settee. She went on television and told everyone she'd had a miscarriage. Is there nothing she'd like to keep private? Then she revealed she'd 'ran the marathon bleeding.' (presumably the London marathon) Did we need to know that? Of course not.

I'd like to say though how much I've enjoyed BBC 4's series of programmes marking the 40th anniversary of the Moon landings. I love all that old NASA stuff. One programme concerned Neil Armstrong's withdrawal into being a semi-recluse. Can't say as I blame him, after all, what are people going to ask you? "What was walking on the Moon like?" That's what people ask you. How tiresome would that get? And let's not forget, he was good at his job which is why he was picked as an astronaut. He didn't do it for fame. Do you think ITV would show an exclusive interview with Neil Armstrong on a Saturday night? A man who, let's face it, has a million more interesting things to say than Katie Price, Jordan or Rufus Wainwright added together. No, I don't think they would either. More's the pity...

Where the brass bands play

I notice, with not very mush interest, that the BBC Electric Proms is about to start its 'third great year'. Does anyone really get excited about this? I really don't see the point, I'm sure Henry Wood never thought his legacy to the nation would see Oasis performing with a fifty voice choir, or Alison Goldfrapp operating a Theramin by waving it in front of her vagina.
And look at some of the other dreary names on there, Keane, Razorlight, the-bloke-off-the-Arctic-Monkey's-hobby-band-because-the-BBC-love-anything-remotely-zeitgeisty.
Why not put someone interesting on there, like Slayer? They're doing a British tour in the next week or so, they'd be available. If anyone needs electricity to perform it's them, and they'd be almost guaranteed a pretty big TV audience*.
And what happened to those other great 'annual music events'? National Music Day anyone (held once, notable for the youth groups, WIs, townswomen's guilds etc. up and down the country singing Lou Reed's anthem to heroin, Perfect Day, in unison)? John Peel Day (held twice on the date when Peel made his last Radio1 broadcast)? The British Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame Induction (held twice, and pissed on its chips when Robbie Williams was inducted over a million other more worthy acts. And I'm including The Wurzels in that million)?

Which brings me on to the state of music on TV these days. I think things like Later and Live From Abbey Road are pretty tired formats. I'm not normally someone who bangs on about the good old days, but why can't someone do a TV show like The Tube these days? Do you remember how it was appointment television? The weekend really did start here for people of my generation. Can you imagine a programme on telly like that these days? A great format: a few live bands, interviews with an interviewer most of the guests want to take to bed, filmed reports, video exclusives, comedians and a smattering of poetry. See, it's not difficult, is it? I'm afraid the closest to that these days is on Radcliffe and Maconie's evening show on Radio2.
I'm a sucker for any documentary on music on BBC4 (even going as far as being inspired to buy Roxy Music's first two albums after their doco the other week), but they tend to look back, not forward. Surely BBC4 is the sort of channel designed to host something like The Tube. Instead they show those incredibly worthy BBC4 Sessions; not usually my cup of tea I'm afraid.
I think the answer is simple: someone, in TV, needs to employ me as a music editor. Are you listening More4? I can see it now, An Evening With Megadeth and Chums. Oh yes, pass the cigars.
I've just checked the Channel4 listings for this Friday in The Tube's old slot: The Paul O'Grady Show followed by The Simpsons (repeat) followed by Hollyoaks. Not very inspiring.....



Talking about Later, did anyone see Tom Jones on last night's? He looks like David Gest's even wankier brother. What's happened to his hair and face? I don't know who he's trying to kid, but nobody believes that's what a man pushing seventy looks like, do they? Mind you, I've never had much time for him anyway. I can't name a song of his I like, and, if it wasn't for Jonathan Ross, he'd be thought of in the same way today that Engelbert Humperdinck is.

*Even though they've just had to downgrade one venue from the cavernous Birmingham NEC to the cosier Wolverhampton Civic Hall.

To the BBC: An apology

Re: the post earlier this week about the Reading festival.

I've just been flicking through the EPG on my generic hard-drive video recorder, and noticed that there's a Culture Show special on Metallica on Sunday night.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.....repeat to fade..............

Not very metal

I notice that the editor of zeitgeist was on duty at the BBC's coverage of the Reading* festival this past weekend. Why is is that there was blanket coverage of the event on Friday and Saturday nights but only two and a bit hours on Sunday? Do you think that could have anything to do with the Metallica being the headline act?


When the BBC covers Glastonbury they usually show about an hour of the headlining act. Why not the same with Metallica than? Is it because somewhere in the BBC's music department they don't like heavy metal? They showed just four songs from Metallica's set; the same amount as they showed for the lead 'singer' of the Arctic Monkeys' hobby band. Of course the Last Shadow Puppets are big news in the NME, aren't they? How silly of me. I don't suppose the fact that Metallica have sold over fifty million albums and sell out stadiums wherever they go had any bearing on the decision to only show four songs, instead of an hour's worth of material.


It's always the same with these music snobs though. If you watch any BBC music documentary, the general consensus is that the period 1970-1976 was ruled by prog rock bands with their slow and ponderous workouts. That's usually accompanied by tired stock footage of Genesis-era Peter Gabriel doing a jig in a pixie's hat, Keith Emerson shoving daggers into a Hammond organ and Roger Waters knocking seven shades of shit out of a gong. If it was such a bad period for music, how come those bands sold so many records? Then, of course, you're told this tale of how punk blew everything away. Which is funny, because in 1977 - supposedly punk's year zero - Yes, ELP and Pink Floyd all released massive-selling albums.


I'm not under any illusions here; a lot of prog rock was dross (and here I'm looking at ELP and anything Yes did between 1973 and 1976), but some of it was good, in some cases very good. I love punk, but I think these documentary makers have re-written musical history to suit their own tastes. What are they going to do now that even Johnny Lydon has come out of the closet about his admiration for Van Der Graaf Generator?


One good thing about the BBC's coverage of Reading though was Zane Lowe, a man I'd never really had much time for until this weekend. His enthusiasm and fondness for Metallica was enough to even make the most ardent metal hater soften their stance.
If it was Laverne, Jupitus or Whiley on presenting duties you could guarantee there'd be lots of devil's horn gestures towards the camera while gently mocking it. I've still not forgiven Jupitus for an awful 'ironic' interview he did, on his 6Music breakfast show, with Rush when they were on their 2004 UK tour. Wanker.


What is worrying though is the amount of crap British bands there are out there. I'm mean you The Wombats, Babyshambles, The Subways, The Enemy, Dirty Pretty Things, Foals etc. Only two really stood out for me: Anglo-Australian drum 'n' bass 'n' metal outfit Pendulum (who are what The Prodigy would have been if they hadn't let that Keith Flint idiot write songs) and The Cribs (even though the guitarist comes over as a dick). Where are the next Led Zeppelin or Iron Maiden going to come from?

*I used to go out with a girl who once informed me that she'd received a prospectus from *Reeding* university. I stopped laughing about six hours later. I got dumped about two days later. Ho-hum.