Royal tattoo

I was going to blog about the Royal wedding, but I feel so much antipathy towards it that I just can't be arsed. Last night I arranged a drum lesson for 11am next Friday, so I'll miss it even if I wanted to watch. I asked my drum tutor if he wanted to watch so  we could rearrange but he just shrugged his shoulders and said "Nah", like nearly everyone else I know. It's not even as though the day off's much good to me, I've had every Friday off since January.

So anyway, where do you stand on tattoos? Now I'm sure there are people reading this who have one, they're just not for me I'm afraid. I think that even if I did want one I'd decide a couple of days later that it looked rubbish and I'd want to get rid of it straight away. Not only that but I couldn't stand the pain, I;m not some kind of sadist. Besides, what would I have? A swallow on my hand? Geddy Lee on my calf? 'Modern Gutnish' on my arse cheeks? 'Fancy a brew' on my bicep? I ask because I went to Bridlington on Sunday (that's an experience, especially a shop that screamed "We've got the smelliest balls in Brid!" Although it has to be said that Brid is a bit nicer than the nearest seaside to here, Skegness) and I saw this couple with his 'n' hers tats. They were identical except his was bigger. They both had them on their backs, it was of two entwined winged sperm with the legend 'Two become one' in finest copperplate script underneath. Why would you do that? For a start I think their biology's a little bit out. I never did biology as an option but even I know that two entwined sperm do not a baby make. Besides, it just looked awful. I'm not calling into question the talent of the tattooist - far from it, he seemed very skilled in his art - it's just that I cannot imagine the thought process that went into designing that and having it applied to your skin. And sperm? Winged sperm? Really?

Do you think Kate and Wills will have wedding tattoos done? You know, like Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson tattooing their wedding rings on? I reckon a tattooed wedding band would look great on Kate's finger next to her dead mother-in-law's engagement ring.

It's nice to be nice

I'm currently enjoying BBC 4's sea season - an, if you will, 'sea-son' ah-ha-ha-ha. I don't particularly feel the need to get out on the sea as I'm terrified of it, or, more particularly, I'm terrified of boats and drowning. I love being near to the sea though, it's so romantic, don't you think? I could spend hours looking out to the horizon and wondering what's over that horizon.

What I loved was last night's programme following Timothy Spall (that's him in the photo playing Nottingham's greatest son) and his wife as they journey round the coast of Britain in his sea-going barge. I love the fact that he doesn't particularly know what he's doing but is an enthusiastic amateur living by the mantra of 'if you're in doubt, don't do it.' It's just lovely to watch two soulmates being happy in each other's company even if they don't do much. They don't do much apart from drink wine, gaze out to sea, eat sandwiches the size of doorstops, have good-natured rows, laugh and just love being together. It almost made me fill up.

I'm getting sick of these people who've been on the television over the past month running this country down. I've never believed in so-called 'Broken Britain', much as regular readers of this blog will probably think otherwise, I still think Britain is a fantastic country and that the vast majority of people are decent folks who enjoy a laugh and are more than willing to help out those in need. This programme is the proof that this is still a great country, because, at its heart it's full of nice people doing nice things. I like niceness. Spall has said as much in his publicity for this programme.

Anyway, off my soapbox, and after everything I've said about Britain you can have this: a French song. I haven't got a clue what it's about, apart from the sea, but I love it and I bet the lyrics mean something nice.

Edit: I've just entered La Mer's lyrics into Google Translate, and they are lovely. God, what's wrong with me today?