God botherers and bad-tempered Mrs Tiggywinkles.

Well Harry Hill's already done this stuff but fuck it, I had the idea before Saturday night.
Right, Eddie Stobart: Trucks and Trailers, have you seen that? It's Channel 5's homegrown answer to Ice Road Truckers. I've seen Ice Road Truckers once. I think that is the requirement for watching it as it's basically the same thing every week: will Trev get his cargo of very important medical supplies to the incredibly remote village in time before the ice road is shut off for the winter leaving dozens of people in peril. Possibly. The problem with Eddie Stobart: Trucks and Trailers is that the same amount of, what a TV exec would call, 'jeapordy' gets lost when the only thing you're worrying about is whether TJ can get a load of pizzas from their factory in Nottingham to a distribution centre in Corby. I'd say he wouldn't have much trouble, just down the M1 for fifty minutes.
The other thing these shows get off on is facts. They love facts. On IRT the facts revolve around the thickness of the ice they're travelling on and the harsh weather conditions. With EST&T the facts generally are to do with horsepower and how many Death by Chocolates the average trailer can hold. Not very glam, is it?
Of course there may be some people out there who get off on this. I don't, it's my life. I deal with miserable bastard lorry drivers and jobsworth yardmen five days a week. I don't want it on a Saturday morning, thank you very much

In other viewing, I've seen The Apprentice. I wasn't going to watch it but boredom on Saturday afternoon got the better of me. What's wrong with these people? Why are they obsessed with work? And why are they obsessed with being such hateful turds. Anyway, I've decided to go on it next year and here's that bit they do to camera by way of an introduction which I've written already:
"I'm a business c**t! I'm such a c**t that I'll kill anyone who gets in my way! I'm a winner! Second place doesn't enter on my radar! To me second place is the first placed loser! Or something! As a baby my mother would take off my nappy and instead of finding green shit she'd find green £1 notes! I literally shit money! In fact money pours out of my every orifice! I wee wonga! I barf banknotes! I cum cash! Lord Sugar will want to fellate me so much! I'm such a brilliant business brain I can't understand why I wasn't headhunted before! Oh, hang on..."

Wassocks

What gives with Larry Lamb, the actor? I don't really like him as he always reminds me of the kind of guy who runs an amateur porn business - as featured about ten years ago on Channel 4's excellent Boogie Nights in Suburbia documentary.

Aside for the fact that he looks like a rubbish version of Larry Flynt he also made a complete arse of himself on a thing last night called Famous, Rich and Jobless. The premise being that four 'celebrities' are out in the real world to find out what it's like to be unemployed. They're all given cash equal to four days worth of benefits to live on and a roof over their head. Then they're supposed to look for work. Old Larry thought it'd be a jolly wheeze not to bother looking for work but to go to Asda and buy the cheapest food possible ("Look at this, eighty two tea bags for twenty eight pence!") and toss it off the rest of the time. While he was in Asda he was recognised and loved playing up to the crowd, waving and asking people if they watched Eastenders and so on. What a dick. But he did pick up an application to work in Asda. He never filled it in claiming that he didn't have a pen with which to do it. Larry was seen filling it in later though - on behalf of the woman whose flat he was living in.

His son gets my goat too. I had the misfortune to see a little bit of the Baftas red carpet programme which George Lamb was presenting. As well as having the dullest voice on the planet, he then proceeded to ask almost everyone he interviewed about how great an actor his dad was, like he was Brando or De Niro or something. That's Larry Lamb who appeared in Triangle. What a pair of cocks.

Anyway, someone else who lives in a bit of a bubble is the hapless, but strangely loveable, Jeremy Vine. On his radio show this lunchtime they had some old dear on who was trying out the internet for the first time. She was being given instructions down the phone about how to go about connecting to the internet and doing a basic search with the aid of Martha Lane Fox:

Old Dear: "I've got a big white Google page."

Martha Lane Fox: "Okay, now, type into the box something you'd like to know about. What are you interested in?"

Old Dear: "I love craft work."

Jeremy Vine: "The German band...?"

Old Dear: "Eh?"

Jesus wept...

May I extend Yuletide felicitations to you?

Well another year over, and 2009 was a right old bag of shite: the death of a parent, a massive disappointment selling her house (thanks a bunch Ms fucking Miller of 15 Dunghill Mansions, Newark. You knew the circumstances under which we were selling the house, you sow) and then topped off nicely with a redundancy scare (I'm still in gainful employment, unlike forty of my ex-colleagues, poor sods). So it'll be a massive relief to see the back of it. I'm not normally one for New Year's Eve but I'm going to buy the biggest firework available to let off this Dec. 31st/Jan. 1st as a final 'piss off' to a shit year.

Anyway, I know I don't normally give much away on this blog, but I've been thinking about Mum and Dad a lot these past few days. Things reached a peak when I heard this on the radio last night. It's a song I remember from my childhood and surprised myself by knowing all the words. It's lovely.

Add to that all the Alan Bennett stuff that's been on telly lately (both Mum and Dad loved him, and as a tribute I'm going with sis to see one of his plays with Alison Steadman next year, which Mum said she'd liked to have seen), Ed Stewart promoting Junior Choice on Radio 2 ("'Ello darlin'!") a general air of melancholy and the fact we won't taste her trifle this Christmas has left me feeling incredibly sad. I daren't even watch that Oliver Postgate documentary that was on last night, I'll save that till after Crimbo, I think. Postgate's voice just transports me back to the front room of our 1930s three bed semi on Elm Avenue with Mum in the kitchen making something yummy. And don't even get me started on the organ, flute and Richard Baker intro to Mary, Mungo and Midge "A town is full of buildings..."

I'm not one to burst into tears - I'm a man after all, and not given to tears - but I think Christmas has highlighted the fact that I'm now, technically, an orphan. Boo-hoo for me.

Anyway, enough of the self-pity, which I normally hate, and may I wish you a Merry Christmas and a spiffing 2010. I'll see you on the other side, hopefully a bit more regularly than of late. Sorry this post's a bit depressing. To cheer you up have this Top Tip from Viz: "Former member of 10cc Lol Creme, don't sign your name at the end of text messages conveying bad news." Aah, LOL!

Have this for Christmas too, Mark Radcliffe always used to play it at Christmas and I love it.

Andrew Marr can probably play the guitar

There's been a lot of talk on the radio and TV this week over this new thing on Saturday night called The Impressions Show. It stars Jon Culshaw and some woman off of Coronation Street doing, you guessed it, impressions.
I hate to pour water on their flames but someone else is doing a rather good impression show over on BBC2 on a Wednesday night. Yes, it's everyone's favourite political correspondent, Andrew Marr. His show The Making of Modern Britain is jam-packed with impressions of all the major players from the turn of the 20th Century. Edward VII? Check. David Lloyd George? Check. Lord Kitchener? Check. Winston Churchill? Check. Charlie Chaplin? Check. Even PMs who nobody remembers get the Marr impersonation treatment, because, lets face it, nobody knows what the hell they sound like so he can get away with any voice he likes. An East End dockers' union leader? That's not a problem to our Andrew "Gor blimey, guvnor! These MPs are 'avin' a right 'larf! Lav a dack! Everybody aht!"

But his entertaining skills don't just stop at impressions, oh no, sir. He also likes to indulge his acting talents. Take the first episode, Lloyd George had tried to give a speech to a packed and rowdy Birmingham Town Hall but was overcome and had to disguise himself as a policeman and made good his escape from a side exit. Andrew took on this role with gusto and stormed out of one of the Town Halls exits, unfortunately he stopped short of dressing as an Edwardian policeman.
Ditto episode two when our history-loving presenter acted out a scene in a Manchester park when a load of Northern thugs decided to give those Suffragettes a bloody nose. He laps it up.
Of course, the one impression he can do with no make up is Macauley Culkin.

All this of course is a bit of dumbing down, get those who aren't really interested to watch. But they won't. On the subject of dumbing down, what about that Britain's Really Disgusting Food? If you haven't seen it it's a show on BBC Three that's actually worth watching. Presenter Alex Riley picks a foodstuff each week and shows you what horrid ingredients and shameful manufacturing processes go into it. Now, I like Mr Riley, he's got a stupid face and can be quite funny. But can't we do without the silly stunts like getting dressed in lederhosen, while standing outside the British HQ of German supermarket Lidl, to protest at them putting hydrogenated fats into their food? Something that always has to be done with a bullhorn to get their point across? I know they have to make these things entertaining but credit us with a bit of intelligence. Anyway, his programme may be having the opposite effect, as I now quite fancy the Celebrity Meat Loaf featured on last week's show. I've worked in food manufacturing for the past eight yeras and I'm pretty unshockable. It won't kill you.
And on that point, don't even get me started on Jimmy's Food Factory...

I'm going to ring-rang-a-dong for a holiday

This is going to be my last blog post for a while as, thanks to my employer's policy of making us all have two weeks off when holidays are at their most expensive, I'm going away at the weekend and, along with the fact I'm going to be away for a chunk of August, I'll have limited internet time over the summer. So I thought I'd do a what-I've-been-watching-on-TV round-up.

Let's start with Guesstimation, a dreadful new Saturday night vehicle for Nick Knowles. It won't surprise you to learn that I hate Knowles. He comes across as the kind of idiot who stands at the bar in pubs spraffing off to his pathetic mates about how great he is while mentally undressing every woman who walks into the bar. To compound my hatred I heard him being interviewed on Radio Nottingham last week while trying to promote Guesstimation. While he was at it he thought he'd slip in that he's doing a new reality show. The woman interviewing him stopped him and reminded him that in the past he's slated reality television (while conveniently forgetting that he made his name on DIY SOS, and appeared on Comic Relief Does Fame Academy), well of course he went off on one defending what he'd said and his show. Like I said, an idiot. And have you ever noticed that, apart from DIY SOS, his shows never get past a couple of series before being canned? Why is he still employed by a major terrestrial broadcaster, anyone else would be on QVC by now. Oh, and that permanent 'designer stubble' winds me up a treat an'all.
Anyway, getting back to Guesstimation, it's crap. It surely has to be the dullest game show format ever devised. the aim of the game is, get this, to guess stuff. Well that's not very interesting for the viewer is it? There's no conferring so we have to wonder what two teams of twats are actually thinking. There's nothing for the viewer at home, well, apart from throwing crisps at the telly when one woman guessed that Tokyo was 350 miles away from London. That's the distance form London to Edinburgh.

At the weekend I watched a film on BBC4 called The Mother, it was shown as part of BBC4's season about old codgers. The film's plot revolved around a widow (Anne Reid) having an affair with her daughter's boyfriend (Daniel Craig). I don't know why, but the sight of Ken Barlow's first wife being taken up the Gary Glitter by James Bond has traumatised me and left having nightmares.
The film didn't really go anywhere and at the end I was left feeling worthless and empty. No doubt Reid and Craig had similar feelings when they watched it back. Having said that though, Anne Reid does have nice knockers for her age.

What about Wallander? Have you seen that? I'm not talking about those Kenny Branagh ones from last year, I'm talking about the Swedish ones currently running on BBC4. I've only seen the one, but they're very good. I have to watch them in bursts of a bout thirty minutes at a time though because of the subtitles. Normally when you watch a film with subtitles it's usually French and the action's punctuated with bits of rumpy-pumpy so you have time to give your brain a rest. Wallander's relentless though, the plots moving on constantly so you don't even have time to think that they all sound like the chef off of The Muppets.
Apparently Wallander says an awful lot about modern Sweden. Shame that, I've always fancied going to Sweden, but I don't fancy getting blown up in a bank.

Don't get me started on On Thin Ice, a show where Ben Fogle and James Cracknell try and race other teams to the South Pole. I watch it because I find polar exploration fascinating, but I find the whole thing rather pointless. If you're going there for scientific purposes, fair enough, but to go and race? You need your head looking at. And they're so miserable doing it, especially when Cracknell's foot looks as though it's going to drop off and he wakes every morning to a massive coughing fit. Factor in the fact that you're constantly trying not to get frostbite in your winkle every time you go for a leak, and a happy time is not being had by all. I find it oddly enjoyable though.

Also good to see the return of Only Connect. The contestants are usually overgrown students, but I enjoy it, not least for Victoria Coren. I'd marry her, I would. The problem is she's a shark at poker and I have trouble remembering the rules to snap. Never mind, we can but dream.

While I'm away this blog will celebrate its 1st birthday (a week tomorrow), which is something of a feat for me as my blogs don't normally make it that far. So happy birthday Modern Gutnish! You'll never know how much trouble I had naming you.

Right, that's me then, I'll leave you with my favouritest summer song in the history of the world. Have a good summer and I'll see you in a few weeks. Bye!

General Lee

Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle, then. Did you see it? I did, it was superb. Mind you, I would say that because it spent a good ten minutes slagging off Chris Moyles, just for this one line: "Chris Moyles is unique in that he's the only man to have had more books published than he's actually read."
And I can't think of anyone else brave enough to go on TV and spend at least three minutes trying to repetitively describe rap 'singers' in the most uncrompehending way possible just to say at the end 'I don't think this book's really aimed at me'. Top drawer.
And Radio 4 topical panel shows got a kicking too. Good. Andy fucking Parsons take note. I heard The Now Show a couple of weeks ago. Jesus wept.

Put that next to Horne and Corden, the first episode of which I watched this morning. Oh dear. Not funny in the slightest. There was one mildly amusing bit that slagged off Ricky Gervais, which I perhaps would have found funnier if I'd actually seen the Karate Kid film on which the sketch was based. Most of the other jokes appeared to point out how fat Corden is. Ooh, my aching sides.
There was also a rather silly sketch involving a camp war reporter. It pandered to the stereotype that all gay men are obsessed with sex and are scared of bombs and stuff. Who isn't scared of bombs? I know I am. Where is BBC3 going? They cancel the excellent Pulling yet make tosh like this to pander to their 'priority artists' and still churn out Two Pints...

If you missed Lee, watch it here. And disregard that picture of Michael McIntyre at the bottom. By the way, any programme that uses Tom Hark as its theme tune has got to be worthy of your attention, yes?

Ugh, I feel sick

I was unfortunate enough to catch the last fifteen minutes of that National Television Awards thingy last night. I'd never seen it before as anything voted on by the public usually ends up being shit. It didn't disappoint as Simon fucking Cowell was given some kind of Lifetime Achievement award (pointedly not voted for by the public). How can a man who, according to Mark Radcliffe, has been responsible for more shit records than anyone else, find himself winning a big TV award like that? I must be getting old.

To make matters worse, the man responsible for the second most shit amount of records, Pete Waterman, likened his shows to a Shakespeare play. Christ on a bike!

And if that wasn't enough, Piers Morgan was spraffing off about how he'd told Gordon Brown (Did you hear the clang when the name 'Gordon Brown' dropped there?) that he could take some lessons off Cowell. As if Brown hasn't got enough problems without that smarmy bastard telling him where he's going wrong and saying he should be more like the Botoxed, is-he-or-isn't-he shit magnet that is Simon Cowell.

I'm pretty sure that throughout it all, Cowell was sat there with the biggest erection he's ever had.

I'm off for a lie down.

Next year, why not give it to someone who actually deserves it. Like, off the top of my head, Tony Hart. Or the Australian 'video journalist' off my local news programme. He's ace.

Oh, and 'who's going to be the next doctor'? I don't give a fuck!

Where the brass bands play

I notice, with not very mush interest, that the BBC Electric Proms is about to start its 'third great year'. Does anyone really get excited about this? I really don't see the point, I'm sure Henry Wood never thought his legacy to the nation would see Oasis performing with a fifty voice choir, or Alison Goldfrapp operating a Theramin by waving it in front of her vagina.
And look at some of the other dreary names on there, Keane, Razorlight, the-bloke-off-the-Arctic-Monkey's-hobby-band-because-the-BBC-love-anything-remotely-zeitgeisty.
Why not put someone interesting on there, like Slayer? They're doing a British tour in the next week or so, they'd be available. If anyone needs electricity to perform it's them, and they'd be almost guaranteed a pretty big TV audience*.
And what happened to those other great 'annual music events'? National Music Day anyone (held once, notable for the youth groups, WIs, townswomen's guilds etc. up and down the country singing Lou Reed's anthem to heroin, Perfect Day, in unison)? John Peel Day (held twice on the date when Peel made his last Radio1 broadcast)? The British Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame Induction (held twice, and pissed on its chips when Robbie Williams was inducted over a million other more worthy acts. And I'm including The Wurzels in that million)?

Which brings me on to the state of music on TV these days. I think things like Later and Live From Abbey Road are pretty tired formats. I'm not normally someone who bangs on about the good old days, but why can't someone do a TV show like The Tube these days? Do you remember how it was appointment television? The weekend really did start here for people of my generation. Can you imagine a programme on telly like that these days? A great format: a few live bands, interviews with an interviewer most of the guests want to take to bed, filmed reports, video exclusives, comedians and a smattering of poetry. See, it's not difficult, is it? I'm afraid the closest to that these days is on Radcliffe and Maconie's evening show on Radio2.
I'm a sucker for any documentary on music on BBC4 (even going as far as being inspired to buy Roxy Music's first two albums after their doco the other week), but they tend to look back, not forward. Surely BBC4 is the sort of channel designed to host something like The Tube. Instead they show those incredibly worthy BBC4 Sessions; not usually my cup of tea I'm afraid.
I think the answer is simple: someone, in TV, needs to employ me as a music editor. Are you listening More4? I can see it now, An Evening With Megadeth and Chums. Oh yes, pass the cigars.
I've just checked the Channel4 listings for this Friday in The Tube's old slot: The Paul O'Grady Show followed by The Simpsons (repeat) followed by Hollyoaks. Not very inspiring.....



Talking about Later, did anyone see Tom Jones on last night's? He looks like David Gest's even wankier brother. What's happened to his hair and face? I don't know who he's trying to kid, but nobody believes that's what a man pushing seventy looks like, do they? Mind you, I've never had much time for him anyway. I can't name a song of his I like, and, if it wasn't for Jonathan Ross, he'd be thought of in the same way today that Engelbert Humperdinck is.

*Even though they've just had to downgrade one venue from the cavernous Birmingham NEC to the cosier Wolverhampton Civic Hall.

Band meeting

Now I can take or leave comedy songs; in my book they're either hilarious or tedious. But I have to say that I'm really loving The Flight of the Conchords on BBC4 at the moment. I think it's on a repeat run, I didn't see it the first time around for two very big reasons. The reasons being that a) as I already said I can take or leave comedy songs and b) I heard the awful sitcom they did for Radio2 a few years ago. Now sitcoms on the radio I definitely can leave*, there's no ifs or buts about it. I used to listen to it late at night when I was doing shift work and just didn't 'get it'. Besides, it had a very annoying narration by Rob Brydon.
Since then they've relocated to New York and bagsied themselves a contract with HBO, and mightily pleased I am to boot. If you're unfamiliar with The Conchords, the premise is that they're a musical duo from New Zealand trying to make it in America with their hapless manager, Murray, who works for the New Zealand tourist board. They also constantly try and spurn the advances of their only fan and groupie, Mel (played to perfection by Mad Men's Kristen Schaal*, who I'm becoming slightly obsessed with, I'm a Mel to Kristen Schaal. I love a woman with a divvy favce). As well as trying to get gigs and convince Americans that they're not English.
Anyway, watch it, I haven't 'done' an American sitcom since Cheers finished, but this is incredibly subtle and 'unwisecracky'. Constant wisecracks and smartarseness are what put me off most American sitcoms. It probably helps that the Conchords aren't American in that respect.
Check out their brilliant Pet Shop Boys pastiche.




And another thing, what gives with giving celebs road trip series at the minute? We've got Charley Boorman, Russell Brand (in which we were 'treated' to the sight of everyone's favourite sex addict desperately trying to get into a girls undercrackers outside a bar, while his mate was inside on his Jack Jones), Stephen Fry and even Paddy 'No Discernible Talent' McGuinness all taking trips around various parts of the world. So, I thought I'd do my own road trip, if any TV commissioning editors are looking in. The idea is this: I go around the world sampling the finest five and six star hotels available. But there's a catch - there's always a catch in these types of telly shows - the only forms of transport I'm allowed to use are first class seats on scheduled airlines or by Aston Martin. That's it. I'm tentatively going to call it Emptying The World's Swankiest Mini Bars with Bright Ambassador. I can almost smell the tie-in book deal...

*I mean, have you heard Miranda Hart's Joke Shop? I presume the title's meant to be ironic given the severe shortage of jokes on offer.
**Isn't Kristen Schaal the most American name you've ever heard?

Fringe benefits

I know there are media types who read this and this won't sound very exciting, but I've just returned from Edinburgh. I still get a rush from seeing telly type people just wandering around going about their business. In the space of three days I've seen, from what I remember, just chillin':
Michael Barrymore
Henry Normal
Paul Jackson
Kirsten O'Brien
Al Murray
The little turd from Son of Rambow
Isy Suttie (my new heart throb from Peep Show)
John Hegley
A bloke with dark hair I can't put a name to but I've seen him on telly and he was showing off his new Italian girlfriend
Richard Herring
Rhod Gilbert
Mike 'The Twat' McShane
David Threlfall

I was thinking of doing a 'funny' Fringe video report and putting it on here, but I couldn't be arsed. Maybe I'll get to put the frighteners on Lauren Laverne next year, eh?

Besides, Danny Baker's right; there are far too many comedians.