What's...

... that you say, 'what's getting on my wick at the minute'? Well, I'll tell you:

• Terry Wogan and Aled Jones's Christmas single - Two of my least favourite people singing one of my least favourite songs. Is it the law that all charity singles have to be shite? Can't somebody make a decent one? Apart from Mark Radcliffe's take on Right Said Fred and Alex Lester's My Brother, of course.


• Iceland adverts - I know this is like shooting fish in a barrel as they feature Katona (a woman who quite clearly needs some professional help) and Nolan, but why does their food always look so deeply unappetising? Prawn Spoons anyone? Thought not. They're seemingly obsessed with prawns.


• 'Quirky' indie rock bands - Step forward The Wombats, Scouting for Girls, The Hoosiers etc. They're like A Tribe of Toffs for the early twenty first century. The sort of people who say 'Ooh, I'm a bit mad, me'. Go away.


• Steve Wright's Old Woman - There's so much wrong with the Steve Wright show that I won't go into all of it, but I'll start at Old Woman. Old Woman is one of his ker-azy afternoon posse, a woman who is made to read things out even though she quite clearly has trouble forming her own sentences, let alone reading. Is also paid to laugh like a drain at anything 'Wrighty' says. I once heard that it is actually Wright's mother.


• Kirsty MacColl and The Pogues - Regular readers will know that both the acts share a place in my heart, but Fairytale of New York gets on my pip. It's the only Christmas song that people who like to think they're still vaguely 'with it' own up to liking. The sort of people who rush out and buy Coldplay albums. From Waitrose. It's okay to like Christmas songs like Greg Lake, Mike Oldfield, Gary Glitter etc.


• Carol Vorderman - Sick of hearing her drone on about being dropped from Countdown. It must've been terrible for her to hear the news that her pay was being cut to a mere £100,000 pa just for picking a few letters out of a box and doing a quick bit of mental arithmetic. Never mind, she could always get herself one of those debtbuster loans she's been hawking on telly to life's less fortunates. Probably not as nice as she makes out she is.


• People who say 'a few quick hellos' on the radio - I like listening to Ken Bruce's Popmaster, but everyday you get at least one contestant who likes to say 'a few quick hellos' to 'my lovely wife Joannne - she won't be listening 'cos she's at work but hello anyway - my kids Jordan and Gemma, Dave and all the lads at work - Oi oi! - Mum, Dad, Joanne's mum and dad, everyone at The Cock Inn, the lads on the football team and anyone else who knows me'. I know a lot of people, and I'll tell you this, there's some of them I don't like, so why would I want to say 'hello' to them via the radio? And why do these people think that millions of people up and down the country are interested in hearing a load of random names read out? If they wanted to hear their name on the radio they should have entered Popmaster themselves. In fact, you can almost hear the relief in Ken's voice when a contestant just signs off with a 'goodbye' without 'a few quick hellos'. DJs, please stop people saying 'a few quick hellos'.


• Graham Norton doing Eurovision - 'Nuff said.