Supersize quotations to go

I'm not particularly one given for sayings or quotations, but a few have stuck in my head for years now. Quite a few from that great philosopher Lemmy, and quite a few from ordinary people, you know, what Naomi Campbell might call 'civilians'.

One of them is 'When you're alive you ride in buses, when you're dead, you ride in a Rolls Royce.' Which I've never fully worked out - I guess it means something along the lines of being thought of better dead than alive - but I've always kind of liked it.

Another one was said to me when I passed my driving test: 'It's the hardest thing to get and the easiest thing to lose', which is true.

One sticks in my mind more than all the others though, which is: 'Why eat out at McDonald's when you can have steak at home?'. That was told to me by one of my cousin's husbands (I always liked him, growing up in 1970s Leicester he'd seen just about all my favourite bands at the De Montfort Hall at one time or another, and he had great pleasure in telling me about it), and it really struck a chord, I thought it was probably one of the most profound, and true things I'd ever heard. Imagine my dismay, then, when I found out yesterday that it was Paul Newman who said it first. And it was a piece of advice my cousin's husband never really believed, as five years ago he was exposed as having an affair with a member of his staff and left my cousin.

Anyway, I was on the old iPod shuffle yesterday and the following song came up by one of my favourite nineties bands (largely forgotten now, more's the pity. How come the decent bands never reform?). I think it was written about the music industry, but could just have easily been written about the current banking meltdown and sub-prime debacle.

We think you are stupid

We give you money 'cos our assets are fluid yeah

We'll sell you down the river

Just remember that we said we'd deliver

Sign on the line and we'll give you the money

Outraged from Newark

I hate my local newspaper, but sometimes they put a story in there that makes me spit crisps all down my front.
Take this week, there was a story under the heading 'Outraged by alfresco sex'. The gist of it was that a married couple, walking through the park near the castle, at 9.50pm on a Saturday night were 'horrified' at the sight of a couple having a bonk. Apparently the married couple thought there were two people fighting, so decided to go for a closer look. The couple who were at it then finished, had a break on a bench (no doubt with a shared gasper and some 'how was it for you?' banter) and then had sex again, all under the watchful gaze of our concerned Newarkers. Apparently one of the accused had drunk seven pints, but 'wasn't drunk'. I'm surprised after that much ale he was still fit for purpose.
This is the killer bit for me, from Miss Sarah Neale, one of the couple's defending solicitors:
'Miss Neale questioned whether the couple who saw them were truly outraged "the couple who saw them were so outraged that they stayed watching and following them for half an hour" she said'. Clearly a solicitor with a sense of humour.
The case was adjourned until October 13th.

A rare political post - Brown sauce

Sarah Brown's introduction speech yesterday at the Labour Party conference could have been pepped up a bit if she'd introduced him in the same manner that James Brown used to get introduced:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is what you've been waiting for! Westminster brother no.1! Mr Please Please Please! The Godfather of sustained economic growth and prudence! Mr Gordon Brown!!!"
Ho-hum, never mind...

Please, I beg of you, help me!

I wonder if anyone out there can help me (I knew this blogging lark would have some sort of use), I'm looking for the name of a record. Steve Wright played this record a few weeks ago, and in the infuriating way that Steve Wright is Steve Wright, he didn't give the title. A small snatch of it was also used on the 1968 edition of the Rock 'n' Roll Years, which was shown last night.
Let me describe it: it's an instrumental along the same sort of lines as Eye Level or Classical Gas; it has a harpsichord motif running through it; the main melody is done on strings and sounds a little like a part of Something's Gotten Hold of My Heart; it was obviously from 1968.
Please, someone help me, it's driving me insane. I need it in my life!

Can I have thirty minutes of my life back please?

Of course, it was much simpler when I was a kid, Saturday evening telly followed a simple pattern: Teleprinter, news, Tom and Jerry, Jim'll Fix It/Doctor Who (ugh), Generation Game, All Creatures Great and Small/Fanny by Gaslight/Juliet Bravo.
Just lately though, Saturday telly seems to have taken a turn for the worse. I say this because on Saturday night I was witness to probably the lowest point in British television history, and, yes, I've seen Loose Women. I'm talking about Hole in the Wall. If you didn't see it, it's based on a Japanese game show, which is enough to make you switch off already (a note to BBC commissioning execs: Clive James used to show Japanese game shows for a reason - to highlight that British TV wasn't all that bad). Apparently clips of the Japanese version were popular on the internet, which is yet another reason why the internet needs to stay on the internet.
The basic premise is that some minor celebrities dress in awful silver Lycra outfits and helmets and have to fit through a hole in a wall that's advancing rapidly towards them, if they don't they end up in a kiddies' paddling pool. That's it. No questions to answer, no skill involved.
One of this week's guests was one of the Hairy Bikers, don't ask me which one, it wasn't the Geordie one. The sight of him in skin-tight clothes was enough to scare off any children who may have tuned in by mistake. I say by mistake because surely nobody planned this into their Saturday evening viewing schedule, did they? I caught it by mistake because it was on at my mother's. Honest.
Watching Andi Peters get shoved in the water was mildly amusing though. Mind you, I could think of a lot worse things I'd like to see happen to that little turd, like making sure he never appears on TV again. Especially as he single-handedly ruined Top of the Pops.
Here's a clip of it, miraculously from the BBC's own You Tube channel. I'd would have thought that they wouldn't have wanted to show off about it. And yes, Dale Winton, you left Radio Trent for a career in telly, did you ever think this is what you'd end up doing, a vehicle even worse than Supermarket Sweep or Pets Win Prizes?




Nobody's a winner in this game show, not the contestants, the presenter or the audience. I've never felt like asking for a portion of my licence fee back, but I do now.

Post-It slinkies

This is exactly the reason why I don't work in an office; too many people with far too much time on their hands.
Very clever though, even though I don't really believe it's all done with Post-Its. They aren't stuck together like that, are they?

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

I didn't write that bottom bit, by the way.

Mad Keen

Quickly scanning my Statcounter keyword results, who'd have thought that Diane Keen and her tits would be so popular? And I don't ever recall Anita Dobson appearing on this blog.

Oh, and another thing, whoever's reading this blog who works for Procter & Gamble, could you identify yourself? You've found me over three different blogs now. You've won a prize.

Term

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