Who were with in the moonlight?

I don't know which is worse, this or Dollar reforming. Jesus. It almost makes you forgive expenses claims for Kit Kats, tampons and duck islands, doesn't it?

And after all I've said about 80s reunions, I'm going to see OM flamin' D in December. It had better be all pre-1984 stuff.

Wrong on every level...

...Shane McGowan with teeth nicked from Shergar:

Go away you small boys!

There's a lovely piece by Stuart Maconie in the latest edition of Word magazine about Gregory's Girl. I couldn't agree with what he says more. I, like Maconie, also use lines from the film to punctuate real life situations. Just the other day I was speaking to someone at work on the phone and trying to explain how to set a particular piece of equipment. I found myself saying "Then the red light should flash every four elephants". I then had to explain to my hapless colleague what an 'elephant' is. And if you haven't seen the film, and think I meant a pachyderm, think again. Go and watch the film, you won't be disappointed.

If you're a fan of the film, then you can count on me as friend for life. The only person from work who I see on any sort of social level is also a huge GG fan. Just the other week I went up to him in the canteen, nudged him and said "Don't touch the ravioli, it's garbage." In fact, this guy is such a fan of it, he even visited Cumbernauld, where it was filmed, as a sort of pilgrimage. I was insanely jealous, until he told me it was shithole and he couldn't even find the Clock Plaza.

And what man over the age of 35 isn't excited by a film featuring Clare Grogan in a beret. Just go over there and have a little think about that. Clare Grogan. In a beret.

Of course it's biggest strength is that it shows teenagers in a positive light. Not trouble-making, glue-sniffing tearaways. Just good kids who are crippled by every teenager's sense of awkwardness. And if you'd seen me at a school disco, you'll get my drift.

In fact events at our school in the late 70s formed part of the inspiration for the film. A girl had been picked for the football team which caused a minor national outcry. It made it on to John Craven's Newsround and everything.

And, our hero, has Rush posters on his bedroom wall. John Gordon Sinclair is a big Rush fan. In fact it was a Rush patch on someone's bag that encouraged him to carry on attending a Glasgow youth theatre group, he knew there were good people there.

You can't beat these for classic lines:

"Lot of fuss over a bit o' tit, eh?"

"We'll start the driving lessons when you've mastered the walking bit"

"Tits! Bum! Fanny! The lot!"

"Let's go and sweet-talk those two lovelies" - something myself and GG-fan-colleague usually jokingly say on a night out.

"Whoah, whoah, easy on the sugar, lady!"

"Here's 50p, you can buy loadsa chips wi' that"

"Pickled onions and dates don't mix, you might have to do some *mwah* kissing later on"

"That is a brassiere!"

If you're still unconvinced, it's on BBC1 on Sunday night.

My sister: "He washes his hair in Lenor, you know."

To quote Edward Woodward* just as the flames are licking at his botty in The Wicker Man: "Oh God! Oh Jesus Christ!"

Please stop, it's not funny any more.

*Isn't there a joke about him with the punchline "E-wah Woo-wah"?

Bloody Nasty Pricks

I was reading this in the Times yesterday, rather scary, I thought.

I've noticed that the BNP have had a stall on Newark market place now for about the past four Saturdays. On most of the occasions I've spotted them they've been pretty much left to their own devices and nobody appears to be stopping to talk to them. Apart from last Saturday where some old codger had stopped and I could hear him saying "The trouble with these European things is you don't know who you're voting for and you never see them after the election." This worries me, he's exactly the sort of person they'd target. The BNP reps probably tried to sell their party to him as one that puts Britain first and is looking to get out of the EU. They'd have got him, and, as it says in that article, all that's needed is a low turnout and for a few people to vote for them and they're in. When they get MEPs they're entitled to all sorts of subsidies and have to be taken seriously by the media.

I'm torn about the BNP. Obviously I find their views totally abhorrent, but, as a believer in free speech, I think they should be allowed their say, no matter how horrid I find it. And I think that you should always know your enemy.

And Newark's exactly the sort of town where they may get something of a sympathetic ear. There's a huge distribution centre here for Curry's and food factories that both employ a lot of migrant workers. Prime 'they're taking our jobs and driving down wages' territory. And you only need a few fuckwits to get these people elected. I mean, look at last time, they elected Robert Kilroy Silk around here...

Katie Price has her knockers...I'll get me coat

I've just heard this on the radio: "Katie Price has been giving her reaction to the marriage break-up between her and Peter Andre". How can you 'give your reaction' to a something that you've had a hand in yourself? It's hardly as though it's a big shock to her, is it? Lets not forget that she's famous for lobbing her ridiculously-sized fake breasts out for anyone and everyone.

Did anybody really think that their marriage was anything other than a well executed publicity stunt? I don't trust any of these so-called celebs any more. Look at Lewis Hamilton and his girlfriend, the Pussycat Dolls singer Nicole Scherzinger. I was watching the build up to the Spanish Grand Prix on Sunday and there she was standing beside Hamilton's car, looking, well, like a doll. Put it this way, her being his girlfriend is good for Pussycat Dolls business in Europe, and she's good for his profile in the US where nobody watches Formula 1 but where they're constantly on the lookout for the next Tiger Woods. Besides, I believe that Hamilton is incapable of a human emotion like love, especially when he openly cheated in his sport and then tried to shift the blame on to someone else entirely.
And don't even get me started on Cheryl Tweedy and Ashley Cole, otherwise m'learned friends might become involved, but we all know what's going off there, right?
My point is that these so-called 'celebrities' think we're thick. Why does Gordon Ramsay give off this family guy image when we all know what he really likes (don't we?). Same goes for David Beckham who has been proved to be unable to keep it in his tracksuit bottoms.
So, I would like to make it known that I'm banning celebrities in my house. Or even better I could become a celebrity myself, after all, I'm not particularly good or talented at anything, which never stops Heat magazine featuring you. So if any paps want to come and stand outside my house and take photos of me walking to the paper shop with my iPod earphones in and not exactly looking my best, then they're more than welcome. I can feel the buzz of the Hello!/OK! bidding war beginning as I type.

Edit: There's a good bit in today's Times which touches on Hamilton and Scherzinger by the always excellent Giles Smith here.

Obligatory annual Britain's Got Talent post

Now I've realised the error of making a blog post about fucking mints, I thought I'd do my annual 'I hate Simon Cowell' post. I hate Britain's Got Talent, right? You knew that already didn't you? I've only had the misfortune to see this year a bloke who could blow up a hot water bottle and pull a Sooty van with his ears. In my book he's the winner, you don't need to see anyone else. Although as my mother pointed out "Do you think the Queen wants to watch that?" Well why not, I'd pay money to see that.

The only other acts I've seen this year, in a moment of extreme weakness, on Saturday night, there was a bloke making out as though he could recreate the sound of a saxophone using just his vocal cords, he couldn't; some old ladies knitting. Ladies, having a hobby doesn't necessarily make you all that talented; some bloke from Wales singing a song I've never heard of, and being remarkably mediocre. Well the crowd loved him, didn't they? Turns out, he's only got a back story. What a surprise! Not.

In this newspaper article he claims he "doesn't want to be this year's sob story". Well stop banging on about your dead missus then. Now I'm not that hard-hearted that I don't have any sympathy with a bloke who lost his wife at a young age, but this whole thing stinks of Simon Cowell getting in on the story and telling the press, while, no doubt, pound sign were revolving furiously in his eyes.

And why does anyone over the age of sixty who appears on that show merit a huge round of a-whoopin' and a-hollerin'? And what do Amanda Holden and that other git face Piers Morgan know about talent? Bugger bloody all, that's what.

Said it before, and I'll say it again, Cowell needs stopping.

By the way, I'm putting myself up for this vacant position. McGiffin and Nolan better be afraid, very afraid.

Mints are meant to be like this - rockard!

I've been suffering from a bit of indigestion lately and thought I'd try and combat it with Extra Strong Mints. Now I'm not one of those "Wagon Wheels aren't as big as they used to be" brigade (they won't be, you've got bigger, you mong), but I'm sure they're nowhere near as hot as they used to be. I've just sucked one and its effects have worn off already. They've got nowhere near the capacity for stuff like this these days. Rubbish. I blame it on Cadbury's, who bought Trebor in the late 80s (they're not even called Trebor ESM mints any more). My own favourite ESM ad was one from the 70s which featured a woman in a launderette going doolally trying to cool her mouth down. Contrary to popular opinion, not everything is on You Tube as I can't find it.

Anyway, talking about stuff that's not as good as it used to be, what do you reckon to the new Reggie Perrin? It can't touch the original, of course, but I quite like it. It's updated enough to be relevant while still retaining the character of the original. I must say that perhaps it's a little more accessible than the original, but it's made me, ugh, 'LOL' a few times, which at the minute is no bad thing. Good effort, and nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be. Mind you, David Nobbs is co-writing it, so he'll keep up the quality control.

Been listening to this rather a lot just lately courtesy of Mark Radcliffe's Airing Cupboard feature, originally released in 1982. Paul Du Noyer writing for the NME at the time called it "the greatest piece of English psychedelia since Piper at the Gates of Dawn", and you can't argue with that.

Why I love KT Bush

Jesus, this is so off it's head, but it's brilliant. Can you imagine Lady GaGa, Kylie Minogue or Beyonce Knowles doing - or even being allowed to do - something like this? Thought not.

The opening number's worth the price of admission alone. Completely doolally.

Edit: Just to add, whoever came here by typing this into Google "how shit is mark and lisa tarbuck" may I suggest you trot off and never come back. I just bet it's Steve Wright.