A handy cut-out-and-keep guide

You know how you read newspapers, right? Well in my newspaper they like reporting on new buildings, vehicles, planes, planets etc. To illustrate the amount of superlatives they can give whatever's new they have to use a chart comparing the dimensions of whatever they're talking about with something else. So I thought I'd come up with a standardised table so that people who work in newspapers and magazines who think we're too think to understand what they're talking about can use it without having to think of anything new. So, here goes:

Height in descending order

• Mount Everset: top of the shop there
• The Petronas Towers: these twin skyscapers in Kuala Lumpur have replaced the World Trade Centre
• Canary Wharf Tower: Used to be The Empire State Building for this scale but we've got our own now so ner!
• Nelson's Column: You're taking the piss now
• A double-decker bus

Volume in descending order

• The O2 arena: never got a look in when it was the Millennium Dome, now everyone loves it
• The dome of St. Paul's cathedral: Wren would have loved his greatest work to be used like this
• A swimming pool: pretty vague but usually means a competition-sized pool, like what they use at the Olympics and shit
• A bathful: fairly straightforward
• An eggcupful: as a child I used to know how many eggcupfuls of water it would take to fill the dome of St. Paul's. I was an annoying little tit
• A drop of water: used for describing minuscule amounts, like 'a dose of paraquat the size of one drop of water can be fatal to an idiot.'

Length in descending order

• Around the world: used for something that measures a lot. Example - if you laid the amount of chewing gum that gets spat out onto the street outside Rock City in Nottingham on a Saturday night it would stretch around the world two and a half times
• A football pitch: bit of a drop there from around the world to a football pitch, but hey-ho
• The wingspan of a jumbo jet: the standard jet being used here is the Boeing 747 (211' 5", fact fans). Can also be used for volume. Example - 'The Vehicle Assembly Building at NASA's Cape Canaveral site is big enough to hold four jumbo jets stacked on top of each other.'
• A double-decker bus: yawn