I don't know why I spent a load of time in mid-November compiling an Amazon wishlist. Well, I do, it was so that when I got the inevitable question "What do you want for Christmas, Bright Ambassador?" from my sisters, I could just direct them to my wishlist (obviously, they don't call me 'Bright Ambassador', that'd be stupid as it's not my real name). Imagine then, my disappointment come Christmas Day when one of my sisters had ignored the wishlist and bought me a DVD of Wheeltappers and Shunters.For those not in the know, W&S was TV variety show from the mid-70s supposedly set in a Working Man's Club. Imagine Phoenix Nights - only even shitter. It's truly terrible. I've only managed twenty minutes of it so far and had to switch it off. When you get those turds on telly spraffing off about a lack of variety on TV these days, I suggest they're given a copy of the W&S DVD.
For a kick off, series 1, episode 1 starts with Bernard Manning - the club host - crooning his way through a number about how he'd like to 'make sweet love to you all night.' Form an orderly queue there, ladies. We then get an act involving Cossack dancing - mildly entertaining for about thirty seconds, unfortunately it went on for about three and a half minutes. Then it's straight into a double act called, something like, Lambert and Butler. Oh dear. Get this, the stooge purports to be gay. Cue loads of jokes involving the word 'queer'. Hilarity ensues. Not.
They're followed by 'the barmaid' singing a medley. It's rubbish. After the break it's a knife-throwing act. The thrower of which was wearing the most alarming pair of trousers I've ever seen. His 'prancer' was wearing very little. By that time I'd lost the will to live and switched it off.
It's not all bad news though. The club committee 'chairman', Colin Crompton makes some witty interjections (best of which is "All those going on the Territorial Army weekend next Saturday - please be informed that reveille is at 6AM. Those who don't like Italian food are advised to take butties"). And the clothes and haircuts of the audience are always worth a gander on this kind of thing.
She said "I saw it and thought of you." Is that because she thinks of me whenever she thinks of shocking 1970s televsion? I hope not. Thing is, she'll ask me about it. Then she'll want to borrow it. So I'm going to have to watch all of it because she'll want to discuss it. I've got six hours of it to watch. The DVD cover promises an early appearance by Little and Large. I can hardly wait.
She'd best get me something decent for my impending birthday, otherwise I'll be mardy.
Edit: To help along those who've never seen W&S, like Thumper, here's a choice You Tube clip. It features Norman Collier's famous faulty microphone routine. I saw Norman Collier in summer season in Bournemouth in 1980, on the same bill as Little and Large - he did the sodding faulty microphone routine. The same routine I'd seen him do on TV dozens of times before. Who once called him Norman 'Two Joke' Collier?
5 comments:
Thanks for that, it has made me cry with laughter. The very mention of the 'Cossack Dancing'...
I absolutely hated this programme when it used to be on - it reminded me of the Fords Sport and Social Club that my Dad sometimes dragged us along to, even though that was in Dagenham.. embarrassing sub-holiday camp acts, featuring tubby dancers with bruises on their thighs, and clapped-out comics struggling to control their DTs. Terrible, life-sapping stuff.
I got given a box-set of The Tube a couple of years ago by a friend who said I always reminded her of Paula Yates (oh goody), and it was similarly hard to watch. Those crap interviews have not stood the test of time. But at least there were no Cossack Dancers.
I don't remember this - was it on ITV? We had Grampian, so maybe they decided that we wouldn't want to watch a sitcom set in a Northern England Club and gave us something like "Party with the Furies" or "Top Team" ("And tonight the Peterhead Rotary Club will take on the Dingwall Fire Brigade").
I remember a strange program with Bernard Manning presenting called "Make Me Laugh". Early - mid 80s, in which "comedians" would try to make contestants, erm, laugh. One time he had on a schoolboy who said he did "Frog Impressions". When Manning asked him what that meant, the boy farted.
Yeah, TV was much better in those days.
I used to hate this, Colin Crompton dinging that bell, etc. It was so northern and - despite having a grandma from Wigan - was completely anathema to me.
I've not seen it since but I fear I may enjoy it.
ISBW - The funny thing is that I used to have a boss who was of Ukrainian descent and performed in his family's Cossack dancing act. I'm convinced it's the one on W&S as the head Cossack has the same chubby face and buck teeth as my old boss. I'm sure it's his dad.
I've often fancied watching those old Tubes. The trouble is that they're the sort of thing you only watch once for nostalgia's sake and to look and go "I used to wear one of those."
Thumper - I'd die a happy man to see that lad fart.
It wasn't really a sitcom, it was a variety show with scripted links featuring real club acts.
FC - When sis hands it back after her inevitable lend, I'll let you have it to enjoy in the privacy of your own home.
Yes. I particularly remember that fucking bell. Him and his fuckin' committee.
Dunno about Grampian, Thumper, but it was certainly on in STV-land. Never mind, at least you had Top Club.
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